To the Pie People

I love you guys.
I swear I want to meet the guy who thought this whole thing up. I don't think this country has seen such a dramatic revolutionary idea like this since the Boston Tea Party.
I think of myself as a first amendment guy, but if what you're saying or doing would make somebody disagree with you so strongly that they would take a pie, run up on you, and smack it in into your face, then you should take that as a hint that you *might* be WRONG, or at least, that you have some convincing to do. Martin Luther King is the man and all, but sometimes you just feel like you want to rip some of these people's faces off. Now there is a non lethal, non face removing alternative.
Some of the most hateful shit I've ever heard comes out of the mouth of Anne Coulter. The best part is that this guy runs up right at a time that she is saying some hateful shit. Although this was a failed - and somewhat pathetic - attempt, the seeds have been sown. Keep at her fellas, you'll get your "money shot".
Michael Moore should take a pie in the face every time he tries to turn a question into a fact.
Rush Limbaugh - All Day Everyday. He should be forced to move to and broadcast from a bakery free zone to avoid the constant pummeling (It'd be good for his fat ass too).
There can be no doubt that this direct hit on Bill Gates did much to turn Microsoft into the customer oriented, people friendly business that it is today.
Although Bill Kristol isn't part of the axis of evil, so don't let it get out of hand. Pie value must be maintained. I'm just going to have to take this chick's word on Frank Loy. I mean, Frank Loy? Who in the hell is Frank Loy!
An ideal democracy would replace voting with a pie attack tally. Every time a candidate lies about or talks around an issue - BAM. Tell me you are going to eliminate the deficit - BAM. Tell me you're going to be non partisan - BAM. Emeril Lagasse could moderate the debates. First week of November comes - least amount of pies taken wins.
Notes on pie selection. I'm tired of seeing cheap hacks out there trying to make political statements using Meringue. Thats just weak. I know the real activists out there by their use of the real thick custard pies. The kind of pies that they have to smear off over and over.
Of course, for a true primer on execution of a "Pie Attack" Refer to SF Weekly's "How to Pie".

Disclaimer: This post is not meant to incite or otherwise encourage the activities of organizations such as The Biotic Baking Brigade and Mad Anarchist Bakers' League in the U.S., The Meringue Marauders in Canada, T.A.A.R.T. in Holland and People Insurgent Everywhere (PIE) in the UK. But you guys fucking rock!

PS To the guy who spit tobacco juice in Jane Fonda's face: Thats just nasty. You pig.

Tony Blair Show Cancelled?

I remember when they cancelled the show "M*A*S*H". I remember the ending to "Cheers", "Facts of Life" and even "Alice". But on May 5 there is one show that might get cancelled. "The Tony Blair Show". It airs on C-Span on wednesday mornings and again on sunday nights.
They just can't cancel that show. It is a great piece of American TV!
I remember the classic shows with guest star Ian Duncan Smith. Man those guys were a riot!
I have been told that the show will likely not be cancelled. But they may change it to "The Michael Howard Show". This too would suck! I mean, Michael Howard? Thats like replacing David Letterman with Eric Estrada. You know, the guy from CHiPs. Not funny, not entertaining. The ratings would plummet, ad dollars would dry up and the whole of the British Gevernment would be bought up by Viacom. I mean, Michael Howard could turn something as funny as the Poll Tax and turn into into something boring and unexciting, let alone the National Health Service and the Postal System. I can't believe that the networks would make such a foolish decision. I expect they will keep their front man Tony Blair in place. He is the man.
It reminds me of the talk last summer when there was discussion of cancelling "The Rumsfeld Meyers Show". That show is a hoot! I would hate to be the writer who came up with that whole Abu Ghraib story line. They damned near jumped the shark with that.

That was the weirdest phone call

OK I just got off the phone with God. At first I though it was a telemarketer so I tried to take him for a ride. I pretended I was somebody else, but he said he knew it was me. I figure then it had to be a bill collector and I started explaining that I had already sent payment and to expect it shortly. Again, He wouldn't have any of it. Then it hit me. This is the Lord God Almighty right here on the phone.
"Yo God", I said. "We've been waiting for two thousand years to hear from you, How've you been!"
"I'm pretty fuckin pissed, Sheck"
Wow, you know your Father is for real pissed when he drops an F bomb
"What happened?"
"I look away for five minutes and everybody is going nuts down there. This could take me days to fix"
Man was I excited. All we'd have to wait would be a couple days!. The dude Himself was going to take care of all this shit.
"Sweet! So what do you think, Tuesday next week and we're good?"
"Oh man, that's right. Human Years! I'm sorry, to you that means about 280 years. Who the fuck put George Bush in there? I left explicit instructions with Franken to keep that from happening"
"Al Franken?"
"Who the hell to you think I mean. How many Frankens are there?"
"Woah God, chill out the wrath bro! No need to get all Old Testament on my ass. "
"Sorry Sheck, I'm just a little frustrated is all. Don't take it personally"
"No problem, I can only imagine what all you have to deal with on a given day. Besides, I wanted Wesley Clark in there."
"Didn't he almost start World War Three?"
"Don't start that shit again Lord"
"Hahaha I know, you friggin Clarkies are so easy to rile up. Don't worry, we've made, lets just say, 'arrangements', for Slobodan"
Sometimes he makes me want to throw the phone with his stupid jokes.
"Anyways, the talking head shows say it was your people that put him in there. What's that about?"
"My people? Sheck, what in THE heck are you talking about?"
"I don't know, frontline says evangelists were the key."
"What is an evangelist?"
"They're supposedly your people, you know worshipping you all the time and whatnot."
"Huh?. Hold on a sec"
"Don't put me on hold God. Don't..."
OMG. You can't believe the sickness that is Heaven MUSAC. In human years you could be listening to it for weeks before he gets back to the phone. It's like a droning hum of a bunch of dejected monks in their late 90s. Every now and then he throws Brittney Spears in there just for kicks.
"OK sorry bout that"
"No problem Lord, just enjoying the musac"
"Liar"
"Damn, I keep forgetting who I'm talking to"
"Looks like Gabe is screwing around with you guys again. I just talked to him. He fired up a whole bunch of people that I've been watching for rapture. What a pain in the ass that guy is. He forgot to mention that the guys on that list are going to get raptured by a bus! He has a sick way of getting his kicks, watching them all happy preparing for some big day and boom, they get hit by a bus. So sick."
"Whew man, that is sick"
"No doubt. Well don't worry, the midterms should start to straighten things out. George'll wish he ran for dog catcher. Evangelists. Only Gabe could come up with some shit like that."
"Oh Hey. How's Karol?"
"He's good. Just put in a new sofa. I think he likes the digs we set him up with. Right now I think him and Peter are down at the pub having a couple beers. He kicked ass for me down there."
"So I've heard. I'm not a big religion guy you know"
"Man, I don't blame you. I've been listening to them say the same crap for two thousand years!"
"Why did you tell Jesus to teach us those prayers then, if you don't like hearing them"
"Dude, those guys weren't there. The idea was to fire off some thoughts and let me know what's up. The guy said 'Teach us to pray'. Not 'Teach us a prayer' damnit! I told Jesus to go ahead and wing it. His "Our Father" speech was awesome. A little kissuppy but nice! Now that's all they say! Over and over and over. I'm going to lose it!"
"I hear ya. Kinda like hearing someone play stairway over and over huh"
"Exactly. Zep is so five minutes ago"
"That's God years right Lord?"
"Of course. Listen Sheck, I'd love to sit and chat with you all day, but as you're sure aware. I have some shit to do."
"No doubt G. I'll talk to ya"
"Later Sheck. Good Luck with the Clark thing. Oh and check out the Baptists. They rock!"
"Thanks man. Good Luck cleaning up after President Bush."
"Whew, this is going to take days."

Buzz Killary Clinton

Oh my god. Every time I look up, somebody is telling me that Hillary Clinton is the "Likely" nominee for Democrats in 2008. Of course its well early to say who would be running in 2008. I pray to god every single day that its not Hillary Clinton.

Don't get me wrong. I don't think she is evil or anything. I just think that it would be a disgrace to America for the White House to be occupied by two families for upwards of 28 plus years. The whole thing reeks of quasi monarchy.

If Democrats know what is good for them. And I don't think they do. But just say that they did. They would put General Wesley Clark in there. If not, then please rise for the yet unnamed Republican President. Honesty and Trust. Its that simple.

Douchebag Diplomacy in the War on Terror

It occurred to me while listening to the House Armed Services Hearing today with General Wesley Clark giving Richard Perle smackdown after smackdown that this Richard Perle is a douchebag.

I had heard this before, but I had known that his involvement in humanitarian concerns in Kosovo had been helpful to the Kosovars and despite his involvement with the PNACers, he might just be OK.

But No. He is well far gone with the rest of the douchebag PNAC folks.

Am I rude to say this. No. I don't say this as a generic insult to Mr. Perle. I say this because time after time, when considering solutions for regions in deperate need of water, Mr. Perle and his cohorts have insisted on providing more and more vinegar.

Merkans - The Critical Swing Vote

How in the hell did he pull it off. An invasion of another country based on the wrong information. Abu Ghraib prisoners defiled by guards, hint hint nudge, with no knowledge whatsoever of their superiors.A Job loss unseen by previous administrations. A budget and trade deficit that no doubt makes Mr. Greenspan question the entire concept of "Irrational".Every other word out of his mouth a trainwreck that would leave a seasoned Press Secretary silently shaking in the corner of the office holding a pillow as though it were a newborn as the phones ring incessantly in front of his glazed and bloodshot eyes.

The answer: Merkans

No! It was the Evangelical vote. They say it on television (Should that be capitalized?) and in countless docudramas intended to vilify President Bush.This is the group that got it done. The mysterious inhabitants of red states. Like boogymen on an electoral map they vote for the man who praises God the most.Im sorry, but the correct answer is not the Evangelicals. It is the Merkans. Evangelicals are simply Merkans who go to church.

What is a Merkan? Whos list can I buy to make sure the Party reaches them the most with our lit drops and emails? Surely our direct marketing team can get them on board!This mistake is often made when trying to attract the Merkan vote. You see, Merkans want no part of your politics. 100% of Merkans surveyed hung up the phone immediately.One percent of political literature delivered to Merkan homes was briefly glanced at before being thrown with the credit card stuff. In advertising terms thats not half bad.

Merkans must be in constant fear of terrorist attack, one might say. From blog to shining blog, fear was the strategy that President Bush used to get reelected, they all know it.Again, sorry no, Merkans have no fear whatsoever of terrorists. Put a Merkan in a room with Osama Bin Laden and he will tear him limb from limb. Slowly, like Quentin Tarentino might conceive of it, but real. No, as far as terrorists are concerned, Merkans want to kick the living crap out of them, regardless of whether they are actually terrorists. Merkans use the term terrorist and towel-head almost interchangeably.And believe me, this is encouraging news for dot-heads, who are often mistrusted but not hated by Merkans.

Merkans are often misidentified as the folks on Jerry Springer, who surely don't vote anyway. But again this is not who we are after. Those people will only vote if you pay them cash, and we can't do that now can we?No Merkans can be persuaded just like any other political faction in America. And if they believe you, they will vote for you, every one of them.

So what do you need in your platform to get them on your side? First, you need to kick someones ass. And you have to do for one of two reasons. The first is the number one reason given for computer hackers who break into a company's web page and create havoc. Because you can. The second is retaliation even if only perceived. Iraq is the perfect example of this. Merkans once believed that Saddam Hussein was in part responsible for the attack on the World Trade Center. They have since been informed that Iraq had no involvement with those events. And they believe it.They know that Iraq had nothing to do with. But they also believe that Saddam Hussein would have loved to do it. And that's good enough. Saddam Hussein and Iraq are often used interchangeably as well, and so an Iraqi casualty is a bruise inflicted on Saddam Hussein himself.The one reason you can't give for kicking someone's ass is to help someone else. This is counterintuitive to a Merkan. Why would we help someone who can't kick someone's ass. It makes no sense. Unless of course they are women, preferably hot. So do not try to convince them that military intervention is good policy for humanitarian purposes. This will surely fail.

Whew! Merkans seem like lunatics. Criminal. Boy am I glad I'm not one of them.Don't be so sure. Just like any other group, there are the die hard Merkans and there are the moderates. Moderate Merkans seem like ordinary citizens. They go to work. They eat out at restaurants. They could be sitting right next to you in a movie theatre and you wouldn't even know it.Moderate Merkans show themselves when the home team makes the playoffs. Especially football, thats the easy tell. If a player on the opposing team gets hurt, these Merkans see it as a strategic victory for their team.I've gotten riled up on occasion when a linebacker smashed a running back like an overripe tomato. Am I a Merkan! No, because I watch to see if the opponent is OK before high fiving my friends. The one who is high fiving right away has identified himself as a Merkan. Be careful with this friend. I know hes great fun, but do not, I repeat, do not go out in groups with this Merkan. This is important. Merkans with only two friend at a bar can be great fun, almost entertaining. But allow a Merkan to go to the same bar with more than two others,and he will start a fight. For you. Merkans are only compelled to fights when there are enough people along so that he does not have to fight fair. Having to fight fair will limit his ability to kick someones ass. See above. Again, the more "Backup" a Merkan perceives, the more likely he will pick a fight. A cup of beer filled to the rim is a black eye waiting to happen from a passer by in a tight squeeze. Ahh the dream of all Merkans, having beer spilled on them while surrounded by 12 to 15 of his buddies. Again, the extent to which your friend is a Merkan is proportional to the number of buddies needed to be present to elicit this response.

Merkans love guns. Just absolutely love them. For American Merkans, the second amendment is a ticket to ride on the freedom highway, disregard "regulated" and/or "Malitia" because, of course, most Merkans haven't actually read the constitution or the Bill of Rights.Here there may be some confusion. Gun owners and Merkans are not the same thing. A hunter may have several diferent guns. Mostly depending on game that they hunt. Gun owners may also have guns that are representative of a time period in history. I have a friend with a rifle from the Spanish American war 1896. But Merkan gun lovers love guns that spew as many bullets per second as possible. They are often safe users of these semiautomatic lawnmowers, but they can't understand opposition to their having one.

Anne Coulter will accuse me of treason Im sure. Good for her. Merkan bitch. But Merkans exist throughout the world and in almost every nation on earth, save maybe Andora.