That was the weirdest phone call

OK I just got off the phone with God. At first I though it was a telemarketer so I tried to take him for a ride. I pretended I was somebody else, but he said he knew it was me. I figure then it had to be a bill collector and I started explaining that I had already sent payment and to expect it shortly. Again, He wouldn't have any of it. Then it hit me. This is the Lord God Almighty right here on the phone.
"Yo God", I said. "We've been waiting for two thousand years to hear from you, How've you been!"
"I'm pretty fuckin pissed, Sheck"
Wow, you know your Father is for real pissed when he drops an F bomb
"What happened?"
"I look away for five minutes and everybody is going nuts down there. This could take me days to fix"
Man was I excited. All we'd have to wait would be a couple days!. The dude Himself was going to take care of all this shit.
"Sweet! So what do you think, Tuesday next week and we're good?"
"Oh man, that's right. Human Years! I'm sorry, to you that means about 280 years. Who the fuck put George Bush in there? I left explicit instructions with Franken to keep that from happening"
"Al Franken?"
"Who the hell to you think I mean. How many Frankens are there?"
"Woah God, chill out the wrath bro! No need to get all Old Testament on my ass. "
"Sorry Sheck, I'm just a little frustrated is all. Don't take it personally"
"No problem, I can only imagine what all you have to deal with on a given day. Besides, I wanted Wesley Clark in there."
"Didn't he almost start World War Three?"
"Don't start that shit again Lord"
"Hahaha I know, you friggin Clarkies are so easy to rile up. Don't worry, we've made, lets just say, 'arrangements', for Slobodan"
Sometimes he makes me want to throw the phone with his stupid jokes.
"Anyways, the talking head shows say it was your people that put him in there. What's that about?"
"My people? Sheck, what in THE heck are you talking about?"
"I don't know, frontline says evangelists were the key."
"What is an evangelist?"
"They're supposedly your people, you know worshipping you all the time and whatnot."
"Huh?. Hold on a sec"
"Don't put me on hold God. Don't..."
OMG. You can't believe the sickness that is Heaven MUSAC. In human years you could be listening to it for weeks before he gets back to the phone. It's like a droning hum of a bunch of dejected monks in their late 90s. Every now and then he throws Brittney Spears in there just for kicks.
"OK sorry bout that"
"No problem Lord, just enjoying the musac"
"Liar"
"Damn, I keep forgetting who I'm talking to"
"Looks like Gabe is screwing around with you guys again. I just talked to him. He fired up a whole bunch of people that I've been watching for rapture. What a pain in the ass that guy is. He forgot to mention that the guys on that list are going to get raptured by a bus! He has a sick way of getting his kicks, watching them all happy preparing for some big day and boom, they get hit by a bus. So sick."
"Whew man, that is sick"
"No doubt. Well don't worry, the midterms should start to straighten things out. George'll wish he ran for dog catcher. Evangelists. Only Gabe could come up with some shit like that."
"Oh Hey. How's Karol?"
"He's good. Just put in a new sofa. I think he likes the digs we set him up with. Right now I think him and Peter are down at the pub having a couple beers. He kicked ass for me down there."
"So I've heard. I'm not a big religion guy you know"
"Man, I don't blame you. I've been listening to them say the same crap for two thousand years!"
"Why did you tell Jesus to teach us those prayers then, if you don't like hearing them"
"Dude, those guys weren't there. The idea was to fire off some thoughts and let me know what's up. The guy said 'Teach us to pray'. Not 'Teach us a prayer' damnit! I told Jesus to go ahead and wing it. His "Our Father" speech was awesome. A little kissuppy but nice! Now that's all they say! Over and over and over. I'm going to lose it!"
"I hear ya. Kinda like hearing someone play stairway over and over huh"
"Exactly. Zep is so five minutes ago"
"That's God years right Lord?"
"Of course. Listen Sheck, I'd love to sit and chat with you all day, but as you're sure aware. I have some shit to do."
"No doubt G. I'll talk to ya"
"Later Sheck. Good Luck with the Clark thing. Oh and check out the Baptists. They rock!"
"Thanks man. Good Luck cleaning up after President Bush."
"Whew, this is going to take days."