Merkans - The Critical Swing Vote

How in the hell did he pull it off. An invasion of another country based on the wrong information. Abu Ghraib prisoners defiled by guards, hint hint nudge, with no knowledge whatsoever of their superiors.A Job loss unseen by previous administrations. A budget and trade deficit that no doubt makes Mr. Greenspan question the entire concept of "Irrational".Every other word out of his mouth a trainwreck that would leave a seasoned Press Secretary silently shaking in the corner of the office holding a pillow as though it were a newborn as the phones ring incessantly in front of his glazed and bloodshot eyes.

The answer: Merkans

No! It was the Evangelical vote. They say it on television (Should that be capitalized?) and in countless docudramas intended to vilify President Bush.This is the group that got it done. The mysterious inhabitants of red states. Like boogymen on an electoral map they vote for the man who praises God the most.Im sorry, but the correct answer is not the Evangelicals. It is the Merkans. Evangelicals are simply Merkans who go to church.

What is a Merkan? Whos list can I buy to make sure the Party reaches them the most with our lit drops and emails? Surely our direct marketing team can get them on board!This mistake is often made when trying to attract the Merkan vote. You see, Merkans want no part of your politics. 100% of Merkans surveyed hung up the phone immediately.One percent of political literature delivered to Merkan homes was briefly glanced at before being thrown with the credit card stuff. In advertising terms thats not half bad.

Merkans must be in constant fear of terrorist attack, one might say. From blog to shining blog, fear was the strategy that President Bush used to get reelected, they all know it.Again, sorry no, Merkans have no fear whatsoever of terrorists. Put a Merkan in a room with Osama Bin Laden and he will tear him limb from limb. Slowly, like Quentin Tarentino might conceive of it, but real. No, as far as terrorists are concerned, Merkans want to kick the living crap out of them, regardless of whether they are actually terrorists. Merkans use the term terrorist and towel-head almost interchangeably.And believe me, this is encouraging news for dot-heads, who are often mistrusted but not hated by Merkans.

Merkans are often misidentified as the folks on Jerry Springer, who surely don't vote anyway. But again this is not who we are after. Those people will only vote if you pay them cash, and we can't do that now can we?No Merkans can be persuaded just like any other political faction in America. And if they believe you, they will vote for you, every one of them.

So what do you need in your platform to get them on your side? First, you need to kick someones ass. And you have to do for one of two reasons. The first is the number one reason given for computer hackers who break into a company's web page and create havoc. Because you can. The second is retaliation even if only perceived. Iraq is the perfect example of this. Merkans once believed that Saddam Hussein was in part responsible for the attack on the World Trade Center. They have since been informed that Iraq had no involvement with those events. And they believe it.They know that Iraq had nothing to do with. But they also believe that Saddam Hussein would have loved to do it. And that's good enough. Saddam Hussein and Iraq are often used interchangeably as well, and so an Iraqi casualty is a bruise inflicted on Saddam Hussein himself.The one reason you can't give for kicking someone's ass is to help someone else. This is counterintuitive to a Merkan. Why would we help someone who can't kick someone's ass. It makes no sense. Unless of course they are women, preferably hot. So do not try to convince them that military intervention is good policy for humanitarian purposes. This will surely fail.

Whew! Merkans seem like lunatics. Criminal. Boy am I glad I'm not one of them.Don't be so sure. Just like any other group, there are the die hard Merkans and there are the moderates. Moderate Merkans seem like ordinary citizens. They go to work. They eat out at restaurants. They could be sitting right next to you in a movie theatre and you wouldn't even know it.Moderate Merkans show themselves when the home team makes the playoffs. Especially football, thats the easy tell. If a player on the opposing team gets hurt, these Merkans see it as a strategic victory for their team.I've gotten riled up on occasion when a linebacker smashed a running back like an overripe tomato. Am I a Merkan! No, because I watch to see if the opponent is OK before high fiving my friends. The one who is high fiving right away has identified himself as a Merkan. Be careful with this friend. I know hes great fun, but do not, I repeat, do not go out in groups with this Merkan. This is important. Merkans with only two friend at a bar can be great fun, almost entertaining. But allow a Merkan to go to the same bar with more than two others,and he will start a fight. For you. Merkans are only compelled to fights when there are enough people along so that he does not have to fight fair. Having to fight fair will limit his ability to kick someones ass. See above. Again, the more "Backup" a Merkan perceives, the more likely he will pick a fight. A cup of beer filled to the rim is a black eye waiting to happen from a passer by in a tight squeeze. Ahh the dream of all Merkans, having beer spilled on them while surrounded by 12 to 15 of his buddies. Again, the extent to which your friend is a Merkan is proportional to the number of buddies needed to be present to elicit this response.

Merkans love guns. Just absolutely love them. For American Merkans, the second amendment is a ticket to ride on the freedom highway, disregard "regulated" and/or "Malitia" because, of course, most Merkans haven't actually read the constitution or the Bill of Rights.Here there may be some confusion. Gun owners and Merkans are not the same thing. A hunter may have several diferent guns. Mostly depending on game that they hunt. Gun owners may also have guns that are representative of a time period in history. I have a friend with a rifle from the Spanish American war 1896. But Merkan gun lovers love guns that spew as many bullets per second as possible. They are often safe users of these semiautomatic lawnmowers, but they can't understand opposition to their having one.

Anne Coulter will accuse me of treason Im sure. Good for her. Merkan bitch. But Merkans exist throughout the world and in almost every nation on earth, save maybe Andora.